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The good ones are already taken!

Have you ever noticed that the women you want to ask out are oftentimes already married or dating someone else? Don't you just hate that? Why is that? I'm not sure, but I have a few ideas on the subject...

My problem is a variation on #4. I meet women I'm interested in, but they are not interested in me "that way" because they already have a boyfriend. Finding and meeting AVAILABLE women is a huge problem for me. The last five women I've been interested in and became friendly with all eventually turned me down, saying thanks, but sorry, I have a boyfriend. I'm stumped...and frustrated.

What to do?

As for your problem, I know the feeling. First off, the bad news, this is always going to be something of a problem as long as you or any other NG (nice guy or girl) is dating. Most NiceGirls (like NiceGuys) who are in good relationships are both more relaxed and more confident of themselves...thereby making them more attractive and more likely that you will want to ask them out in the first place.

Ironic, huh?

Also, people have very different ideas on dating and what "single" means.

A few years ago, I joined a singles activity club, met this very nice, attractive woman, asked her out, spent several hours on the phone with her, planned an overly complex/expensive date (I learned my lesson on that one), and finally went out with her. She told me about half-way through that it was a "pre-date." "What the hell is a 'pre-date'?" I hear you ask.

About $90 U.S.

It turns out that she had separated from her husband only a few weeks previously...the divorce wasn't going to be final for another 6 months.

But she called herself "single."

And got back together with her husband after three weeks.

As for possible solutions, there are a few:

1 - Accept that you will be asking out women who are dating someone at one point or another.

The last time I did that was...two nights before I wrote this article.

If they're worthwhile and you're nice about it, they'll turn you down nicely and they'll take it as a compliment. It sucks to be turned down, but look on the bright side:

  1. Complimenting a woman is always a worthy goal.
  2. If she turns you down and isn't nice about it, you would not have wanted to date her anyways (even if she is gorgeous).
  3. If she turns you down and is nice about it, combined with the fact she's dating someone means that you have good taste and when you do find someone to go out with, she'll probably be pretty cool.

2 - Focus on meeting women in places where you'll find single women.

Go to relatively low-key events where you have a chance to women which have the word "Singles" in them. The only downside is that everyone knows you are single and looking to meet people which can make people a bit twitchy.

If you have good carpentry skills, do some volunteer work for Habitat for Humanity with a singles group. If you belong to an organized religion, many churches and temples have singles events...and if yours doesn't, you might want to reevaluate your choice of church/temple/etc.

I'm not Christian, but a few months ago I went to a church dance because one of my friends was DJing...He sent out an "all-call" to our local swing-dance community saying that he was going to be working at a church dance and it would be nice to have some experienced dancers there. I am a swing dancer and decided to go just for the dancing.

I didn't know it was a singles dance.

I met several nice, attractive, fun, intelligent women who were worth asking out. I wasn't going to ask any of them out because, as a devout agnostic, I felt that I was there under false pretences even though I did tell anyone who asked what church I went to that I didn't go to church. I ended up asking one of them out anyways because she was so cool, smart, and attractive.

We haven't been able to date because she is looking for a "godly," Christian man, but we are now best friends and have something truly special.

Note: If you are a Christian, most church dances are open to Christians from other churches as well.

3 - Find out as soon as possible if she's single.

If you're having a conversation and she seems at all interested, try to find an opening. If she's not a raging feminist, if she mentions having been sick, having had a flat tire, not having had help with whatever, you can mention something along the lines of "it sounds like your boyfriend wasn't doing his job." And she will generally respond with "it wasn't his fault," or "I don't have a boyfriend."

Try to be subtle about it, but don't stress too much...women don't really expect us to manage subtle.

4 - Just ask her out.

This is always awkward and much more difficult for Nice Guys. Many of us have a harder time asking a woman to go on a date than some guys do asking a woman to marry them. I won't normally ask a woman to dinner for a first date anymore unless I already know her. I mentioned the woman who I went on the "pre-date" with, many Nice Guys need to learn the idea of the "half-date/first-date. When you ask a woman out, plan things out in such a way that you only have time for a drink/coffee/ice-cream/an hour lunch/whatever. Then plan on asking a lot of women. Which brings us to...

5 - It's a numbers game. And your odds aren't as good.
Normal Guys - "Joe"
Most normal Joes are looking for a woman who's reasonably attractive and will "put out" within the first month of dating (preferably tonight).

Assume that "reasonably attractive" is average or better...that's 50% of the women. According to some survey that I heard about, the average date that women "put out" at is number 7...within reason for a month. That's 50%. "Joe" here, when he gets turned down by someone who's dating someone else, probably isn't sensitive enough to notice or care.

50% x 50% = 25% which means that 1 out of every four women "Joe" meets is good enough for him. And he's probably dating more than one. (When I date more than one, I still feel like I'm cheating).

Now Then - Your Average Nice Guy - "Tom"
"Tom" is looking for a woman who's: (percentages pulled from mid-air) single (50%) attractive (30%); doesn't want to wait for marriage for sex (80%); is very intelligent (20%); nice( 50%); fun (50%); has a good sense of humor (50%); and has similar values (30%).

Factoring in a fudge factor of *10* for overlap (intelligent women usually have good senses of humor, nice women are usually fun) you get 50% x 30% x 80% x 20% x 50% x 50% x 50% x 30% x 10 = 0.9%

One word: OUCH!

Since it is such a numbers game with "Joe" looking for 1 in 4 and "Tom" looking for 1 in 100. "Tom" needs to find ways to shift the odds.

Using the church dance example, say that 90% of the women are single, 70% are nice, 70% have similar values, and keep the fudge factor.

90% x 30% x 80% x 20% x 70% x 50% x 50% x 70% x 10 =5.3%

The odds still suck but they're almost 6 times better and if there are 100 women there, there are 5 who could be really worthwhile.

Good Luck!!!

- "Mr. Nice Guy"