Seven Years

Question:
I was dating my ex-boyfriend for 7 years before he decided that he wanted out. Things were really good but we had a very routine relationship and he didn't know how to tell me. Anyways he left me and went straight into another relationship with a girl that lasted a few months. It's over now. During his relationship with his new girlfriend, he always wanted us to be friends, I couldn't for obvious reasons...I didn't want out!

Now that things have calmed down, he has had time to think, his relationship is over, and 7 months have passed, he wants us to be friends again. I figured that it would a waste to lose a good friend. So I tried, we went out a few times and it really was platonic. He was polite, we talked about how we learned things, grew up, etc.

He told me that he learned a lot of things and that he admits to being wrong for what happened to us. All this to say, he repeats over and over how he wants us to only be friends. I've realized that I still have feelings for him. I spoke to him yesterday telling him that it's too soon for me to be friends. I would probably expect too much from him and it would break my heart to hear him say that we're just friends, because he made it clear that it's what he wants. I can't do it.

Did I do the right thing? Did I rush the gun too fast?

Answer
Hmmm...let's see, he dumps you after seven years, immediately starts dating someone else, but wants to be friends. Yeah, that's realistic. (Where's that "facepalm" smiley when I need it?)

Personally I have issues with dating someone for that long, but that's me. If you're not willing to make a commitment after 2 years, and one of you is looking for a commitment then you're wasting each other's time.

Of course, if this guy was worth dating for seven years, then he's probably worth being friends with. On the other hand, if he's a good enough guy that you still want to be friends with him, then he should be decent enough to understand that you need space. Expecting you to want to be friends this soon is not realistic on his part. I'd use the terms "insensitive" or "whacked-out."

You need to realize that you're not getting back together and you need to come to terms with that. You have to get past the little voice that's saying "well, maybe if I (whatever), he'll want me back." Once you've done that you're going to need some time to deal with your loss. Break-ups suck. It's not just a break-up, it's closing the doors on possibilities. There's a reason that divorce ranks right up there with a death in the family in terms of stress. However, there's also the cliche that "every time a door closes another one opens" and that's completely true. You can do things now that you couldn't while dating him — go to movies he wouldn't like, eat at restaurants he didn't like, etc. You also may meet someone who's even better for you. Once you've started to see the new possibilities, things will get easier.

Until you reach that level of acceptance, you can't be friends. It's pretty much the stage where you feel ready to get out there and start dating other people. And not just to make him feel jealous.

Have a little faith in yourself. Being aware that you would "probably expect too much from him" shows a great deal of maturity and self-awareness. Take as much time as you need, and, when you're ready, make a decision as to whether or not you want to have this guy in your life. Friendships are a give-and-take process and you get to choose how much you're willing to give and how much you're willing to take. With the right people you'll find the level of comfort you're looking for.

Whether it's with him or without him.

Good Luck!!!

- "Mr. Nice Guy"